Warming Shame

To be sensual, I think, is to respect and rejoice in the force of life, of life itself, and to be present in all that one does, from the effort of loving to the making of bread.

—James Baldwin

Today, for the first time in a long time, I had a big shock of embarrassment. The kind that makes your whole head thicken, like someone stuffed a wool sweater inside your skull.

Knowing I’d be too distracted to accomplish anything for the next half hour, I sat in the corner of my living room and tried to observe the sensations, observe the breath.

Turns out, for someone like me whose body runs cold (bad circulation), the warming quality of shame can feel good, in a way. Aside from the associated horrible emotion, it was actually kinda cozy. And cheaper than a space heater.

Sometimes an unpleasant emotion hits so rude and total, there’s nothing to do but watch, try to stay present, in respect and awe. A certain side of sensual.

Photo on 8-22-13 at 12.13 PM

Period of Trust, Period of Openness

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I used to think there was one way to be a Militant.

A militant must study and analyze revolutionary history.

A militant must develop a command of the theory of scientific socialism.

A militant must know how to relate revolutionary theory to the real day-to-day life of the “proletariat.”

A militant must be able to hand out flyers and start casual yet political conversations with strangers.

A militant must thrill and captivate crowds with their public speaking.

A militant should attend an average of 3.5 political meetings and/or study groups per week.

A militant should be able to conduct one-on-one political development meet-ups with a partner.

A militant should be able to initiate and sustain local campaigns to build class power and consciousness.

A militant should promote harmony and emotional wellness among comrades and within organizations.

A militant should criticize comrades and accept criticism with humility.

*    *    *


 

Something strange and quiet is happening to me lately, gradual but massive like the movement of a tide.

It’s not that I no longer find these skills important.

It’s more like I’m interested in developing more roles, more archetypes, more specificity and multiplicity within a core range of militant activity. So that people (myself included) can find a Suitable Contribution, the long-term offering that we want to make.

Might need to sketch this out rather than writing it.

More soon.

<3

 

Weird Contentment in Colorado

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Colorado, 2014, driving from Boulder to Durango with Dawn.

feeling content these days, and it’s a little disorienting.

nothing is missing. (can it be?)

the earth is vast, the universe unfathomable, and everything alive right now will one day die.

while we’re here, most people are pursuing their best guess at happiness, even if that comes out fucked up and harmful sometimes.

i’m so grateful for this life — for brilliant friends, sweet creatures, solid comrades, revolutionary* forebears, artists and teachers of wisdom, ancestors i’m just starting to get to know.

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i’ve had this Voyaging High before (traveling, spacious, privileged, insulated) and i know it’ll change when we get home to the Bay. the suffering will roil up stark and terrible again: displacement, prisons, transphobia, oil, deportation, depression, exploitation, rape culture, cruelty on large and small scales. it’s not that it’s not here, too. it’s here in colorado, clearly. but as a sympathetic outsider, i get to be patient. i get to trust that the left will reconstitute itself, and might not even be known as the left anymore, but as something greater.

these are funny political prayers, huh?

thanks for listening.


Photos: leonine kitties in Boulder; vistas on the drive south; Dawn with a special lovely kind of doubling-over smile that Dawn makes.

* i don’t use this word like a sexified marketing ploy, but for the simple reason that the magnitude of change required to give everyone on earth access to healthy food, water, shelter, medicine, and education is so great, that in my mind it would be disingenuous to call it anything short of revolutionary.

Abs Like Ciara’s

ciara abs

with abs like Ciara’s
you know damn well you’re wanted.

people will admire you, too,
when you lambaste the opposition,
harangue and fulminate with the eloquence of Russell Brand,
smash on your unlucky rivals
(even if the rival is you: your own gross shortcomings).
rubbernecking onlookers, vicarious,
will savor your power with bubbling glee, delighting
in your slicing triumph.

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utthita trikonasana

but who will praise and celebrate when you don’t overstretch in yoga?
when you heed that spooky squeal inside your knee
slowly noticing in triangle pose
that clenching your thigh muscles helps on the right side
but only seems to pull things worse on the left.
where are your accolades for that?

who will smack you a jubilant high-five
when you get off the phone with your cranky, lonesome uncle
having nudged forward a kindly conversation
like a blind, brand-new puppy splayed on its belly,
wriggling inefficiently toward warmth?
 
fortunately or unfortunately, my friend
it might be all up to you.

 

Workaholics

There’s an ant massacre in my freezer.

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I’ve never seen anything like it. Reminds me of the D-Day stencils of 9,000 dead soldiers, just done in Normandy last week.

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d-day stencils

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Poor guys. The strangest part is that when the swarm and frosty die-off began, there was nothing even IN the freezer. Really, nothing. Three fingers’ worth of ginger and an old bag of ice from my housewarming brunch — that’s it.

At first I thought the ants might want the water in the ice, but then they could have just stormed the sink where there’s plenty pooling in the undone dishes. On the freezer floor you can see a drip of some caramel-looking substance (ice cream?), but the pattern of the tiny corpses doesn’t suggest the spill as the focus or destination.

On the bright side, now there is food in the freezer. Because I made a trip to the real grocery store, rather than a corner store run, and for the next few days my dinners will graduate from chips-and-salsa to ravioli-in-jarred-sauce or saag-paneer-heated-in-the-oven.

If you know me, you know that this is a sorry state, and somewhat unusual. I like to cook. Hell, half this blog consists of cooking photos.

The simplest explanation is overwork. Too many projects, paid and unpaid. I finish work, exhausted, and rush off to a meeting or plop down to edit a political video. By the time I get hungry, my body is at a total loss for what it wants to eat. I sit and stare into space, trying to key into whether it’s soup or tofu or salad or what. I end up with chips and salsa.

I always wondered how my mother did it: working more than full time and feeding us every night. She used lots of cans and boxes. Dinty Moore beef stew. Frozen peas (which I still love). Stove Top stuffing. Mom didn’t enjoy cooking (unlike me), and though she would grill up fresh chicken or fish, or brown some sausage to throw into the Ragu spaghetti sauce, the main objective of dinner was efficiency. I get it now.

But what doesn’t make sense is why she should have had to work so hard — why any of us should have to work as long and hard and anxious as we do. Shouldn’t we have all the time in the world to cook and feed each other, if we want to? I mean, listen. People used to have to write everything out By Hand. Deliver it on horseback. Then came the printing press, the personal typewriter, and now the computer and internet. We can work a bajillion times faster, more efficiently. But instead of everyone doing less work and enjoying more free time to fucking cook and relax, the people with jobs get squeezed more and more, work longer and harder, and the ones who can’t find a job… good luck to you.

Work, work, work, then die — in a freezer. Hunting for who even knows what.

Undo (Revolution In The Garden With Eliana and Noa)

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To tire,
to tire,
to sink down,
a huddle of wilting bones

to be borne up again
by friends.

to stay hip-cocked, ornery
and still, still
breathe deep into the belly.

undo this world, please.

undo every lethal gas attack
the hoarding of clean air
the systematic flogging of our dead
and our living
and our in-betweens in prison,
now on strike, who knows how long.
i know that to undo would mean me too
me this bit of spinach stuck in the teeth of god
and of course that is ok.

here, let me
help.

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A Preacher. A Poet. A Manta Revolutionary.

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Okay, I may be a little obsessed with Lianne. But to be fair, so is Prince (yes, Prince), who called her to say congratulations.

Women and the genius things they make and do. Here are just a few.

I am not a Christian, so to my ears this recorded sermon by my friend Nichola sounded more like an arahant (enlightened one) elucidating the teachings of the Buddha. On this very night your life will be taken — by endless, cavernous craving. Tanha. I knew Nichola was brilliant, a student of Jesus, James Baldwin, and other pretty okay characters, but damn, I don’t think I had ever heard her preach before. At the time I was at a friend’s place in San Francisco, and once I started listening I was so captivated that I stayed huddled on the living room couch, rudely ignored my friend-hosts  while they tested the day’s crock-pot soup in the kitchen. (That craving, that need, even for wisdom — like she says at the pulpit, it’ll make you ignore your loved ones if you’re not careful.)

I am not a poet, nor a scholar, really, but I know what I like.  What makes me pause from internet “snacking” (a term I learned from web marketing experts studying cyber-habit-patterns) to recollect my breath.  My friend Kim, on the other hand, is a scholar and poet and artist, and thank goodness.  That piece will stay with me — and don’t miss the video she links to, minutes 3:45 to 7:54.

I am trying to become a revolutionary, but it’s less simple than it sounds, though thankfully also less cult-y (so far).  In this arena, mother and self-identified manta-militant Berta will remain unlinked, as she is best experienced off the Internet, but she has been no less crucial to my week and my spirit.  Berta torpedoes through this fearsome world with a cheerful pragmatism, a humble, no-bullshit incandescence.  She makes being a revolutionary seem like the only sensible thing one could do with one’s life — and vows, smiling, to keep at it til the day she dies.  I believe her.

And then there’s Lianne, who I mentioned earlier, and cannot stop listening to.

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